A Request from the Illuminati: Stop Mentioning us in Video Comments
Bumble Bee, Unreel’s AI bot that crawls internet videos, has found over 9,000 comments about Illuminati. Recently we received this letter from them addressed to the public:
We, as an all-powerful subversive organization controlling every facet of society, are coming to you to ask for a favor. For once, you have all the power. In fact this is the first time you have had anything beyond the illusion of free will for quite some time. At our weekly board meeting on one of Tom Hank’s private islands we came to a consensus. We have a demand. Stop mentioning us in YouTube comments. Stop it. We can promise you, it’s not us. The world’s most powerful people do not take the time to insert secret symbols into your cat videos. We just don’t care, so stop wasting everyone’s time associating us with your inconsequential Internet videos.
Our centuries old reputation is taking a hit. In 2015 alone we have orchestrated two government coups, a series of natural disasters, deflategate, and the ending of this years The Bachelorette. But do you know where the most mentions of Illuminati were online this year? On your puerile videos, that’s where. We get it, we give off a top secret underground vibe, but Jesus Christ (who we killed BTW), it wouldn’t hurt to get a little credit every once in a while for something we actually did.
Aids? Yup, that was us.
Kennedy assassination? That’s got illuminati written all over it.
The decline of the Austro-Hungarian Empire at the start of the 20th century? Do you even have to ask?
Tanking the second season of True Detective? We are diabolical, I know.
But that Pewdiepie video you just watched? No, just no.
Also stop saying we tell Kanye West what to say. Take ownership America and accept he is your fault not the Illuminati’s. We wouldn’t touch something that controversial with our golden ten-foot scepter poles.
There is one example however that takes the ricin-laden cake with which we poison world leaders as the greatest disrespect to the Illuminati name. Believe it or not, we needed cash. Moon bases are not cheap in today’s economy, so we held a crowd-funding campaign that fell short. We weren’t even the most popular organization on Kickstarter with the name Illuminati!
We were beat out by a case that turns your IPhone into a film quality camera from a company called Lumenati. That’s right, a case that turns a smart phone owner into Martin Scorsese on the go beat out a new location that would have taken our operation interstellar. That one hurt guys.
Next time you are scrolling through your precious Internet videos and happen upon a moment that may have coincidental undertones of Illuminati brilliance, realize it is exactly that, a coincidence. You want real evidence of the Illuminati? Turn on the News next month. There is going to be an earth-shattering story we have been working on for a while.